YOU, ME AND US
The young boy confronted his mother.”Who is this man who comes to our house once in a while or at weekends and stays the night, even sleeps in your bedroom?”
“You shouldn’t speak about him like this. He is your father.”
“Then how come he doesn’t stay with us like everyone else’s.”
“He does. Only he works very hard and comes home when you are asleep and leaves before you wake up”
Does this story sound familiar?
It wouldn’t be your own story with a few modifications, by any chance?
Let me see. Most doctors begin their day by patient consultations at 6 am or 7 am. The few health conscious one may go for a walk or a round of golf. Most of the wives being doctors start their work while seeing the kids off for school, or may even be off to work themselves. Those who are house wives settle down to attend to the household chores after seeing the hubby and kids off.
In the afternoon, the kids come home, have lunch and settle down for their home work. The doc eats late or alone or both, and then starts seeing patients all over again. This continues till late in the night, by which time the kids have rounded off their day with their playtime, and dinner and are off to bed to get up early for school. So is the missus, in quite some case. Did daddy see the kids or vice versa? More often not then yes.
As far as doctors go, hobbies? Who has them?
Leisure? What is that?
Vacations? Never heard of them or what a waste of time and money.
Are doctors really “family man” calls for some honest introspection.
Anita Houghton is a careers counselor and executive coach. She wrote a series of beautiful articles in the BMJ Career Focus on Personal support, “How to help someone achieve balance in their working and personal lives”
Try this.
Begin by asking yourself
● What are your current roles in your life as a whole?
● What are your responsibilities?
● What are you accountable for in your life and to
whom?
● what do you spend your time doing?
● What do you call yourself as you’re doing these things e.g., parent, spouse, household manager, financial manager, career monger etc...
Define the eight roles in your life you consider the most important
Now draw a wheel, giving each of these roles a sector in the circle, commensurate with the importance you give it
Now honestly assess.
What does your wheel look like?
Chances are it looks like a twin blade propeller, where only two things predominate, you as the surgeon, the professional and you as the money spinner. Or it could be a three winged fan, the third dimension being your all important career.
Or it may be a cross which we are so used to, with the four limbs of the cross consumed by you as the surgeon, you the money spinner, you the careerist. A small and short limb would be you as a friend, a family member and fun seeker going for very occasional outings and vacations.
In a few instances it may be a pentagon or a hexagon, the fifth role being that of the householder.
Look at the one role or sector which is sadly missing in all these shapes, preventing it from becoming a complete whole, namely, a circle. It is the partner and the lover.
In fact, this question is more pertinent to the spouse. Are you satisfied with the amount of time your better half spends with you and your children?
It may be news to you that doctors are not considered the best of better halves. An article appeared in the BMJ Career Focus in 2006 by Karen Hebert.
It deals with the ease and the hassles of marriage within the profession.
Are medical marriages really any different or just part of the statistics? According to the article by Karen I have just quoted, there is no real difference in divorce rates in medical marriages but there is also evidence that while the marriages are stable, many spouses are chronically unhappy. Michael Myers, a psychiatrist from Vancouver has described a number of particular difficulties that can be faced in a medical marriage.
What are these hassles?
Bhupinder Sandhu, past president of the Women’s Medical Federation, points out: “Partnership in marriage is essential. If you are married to a medic that partnership can come under all sorts of stresses as a result of competing careers, clashing rotas, and the availability of jobs. All too often, it has been the wife who has made the sacrifice, and consequently not benefited or achieved the career that she should have achieved”. Doesn’t it leave that little bit of crick in the heart? How many times you hear of doctor husband and wives living apart due to different posting? Remember distances breed chasms. Companionship is an ordinary virtue but is becoming extraordinarily rare.
Many years ago, when I was an intern, a debate was held in the college “Doctors should marry only doctors. I spoke for the proposition not because I advocated marriages within the profession, but I thought that was the only way to decimate a species so unclubbable. It seemed prudent that rather than ruin the home spirit in two household, only one should be afflicted. Thirty six years later the same topic was being debated in the college annual debate. Nothing changes really, does it?
Is this how things should be? Can a change be effected? Not unless the doctors change.
Susan Kersley is a retired medical practitioner, and a life coach
She proposes “7 strategies to change your life, your lifestyle and YOU “in her book “YOU CAN CHANGE”
I would recommend her book as compulsory reading for all of us doctors.
The seven strategies are
1. Clarify
2. Harmonise
3. Affirm
4. Negotiate
5. Galvanise
6. Embody
7. Shine
Clarify Think back to your childhood and recollect what were your dreams and aspirations. How close are you to them? Did a large part of what you wanted to do get lost in the daily grind of first your studies and then the profession. How often do you feel “I wish I had done this or that” This is the trump, you still can if only you decide to change your lifestyle, your environment and yourself. Just remove the clutter. Decide what you don’t want and discard it, in your lifestyle, your work and home environment and your personality. Easy? Well almost.
HarmoniseOnce you have discarded the redundant, harmonise between what you wanted or want with what you have. Focus and develop a vision for what you want. Day dream about it and search for moments in your life when you can work towards your dream. Don’t wait for retirement, but if you are near it, that may be your moment of fulfillment.
AffirmBe strong and firm by not allowing others to run your life for you. Reflect on what is holding you back and fight it. Assert yourself “I will do it. I must do it”
NegotiateNegotiate here is not as in compromise but as in steer through or across. Let the idea of your dream or ambition permeate your being and then start asserting yourself to yourself
Susan suggests the first thing to do is ‘catch up on unfinished business’. Get rid of the fear of what if or what if not.
GalvaniseGalvanise means start moving towards your goal. Take the first step, however small and don’t stop. All it needs is a passion for the change. The excitement comes with every step. “Be open to possibities.”Weigh your options literally imagining them in both your hands. Look for people who will boost your morale.
EmbodyThe strategy is to give a concrete shape to your idea or dream, to give the vision a body. The best way to do this may be to imagine yourself in the shoes of someone who represents what you want.
ShineBe what you want or wanted and feel proud about it. Let not what other say or think affect you. Theirs is but the stereotyped attitude. You have dared to change you have a right to shine and for you are a star. Think of the things you would love to do and treat yourself to it. Imagine you have earned it and you will continue earning them and doing them.” Make a commitment to yourself to look after yourself much, much better” says Susan
Devote yourself to your family and yourself .As that ad of L’Oreal goes ‘You are worth it, for you are one in a million’
“You shouldn’t speak about him like this. He is your father.”
“Then how come he doesn’t stay with us like everyone else’s.”
“He does. Only he works very hard and comes home when you are asleep and leaves before you wake up”
Does this story sound familiar?
It wouldn’t be your own story with a few modifications, by any chance?
Let me see. Most doctors begin their day by patient consultations at 6 am or 7 am. The few health conscious one may go for a walk or a round of golf. Most of the wives being doctors start their work while seeing the kids off for school, or may even be off to work themselves. Those who are house wives settle down to attend to the household chores after seeing the hubby and kids off.
In the afternoon, the kids come home, have lunch and settle down for their home work. The doc eats late or alone or both, and then starts seeing patients all over again. This continues till late in the night, by which time the kids have rounded off their day with their playtime, and dinner and are off to bed to get up early for school. So is the missus, in quite some case. Did daddy see the kids or vice versa? More often not then yes.
As far as doctors go, hobbies? Who has them?
Leisure? What is that?
Vacations? Never heard of them or what a waste of time and money.
Are doctors really “family man” calls for some honest introspection.
Anita Houghton is a careers counselor and executive coach. She wrote a series of beautiful articles in the BMJ Career Focus on Personal support, “How to help someone achieve balance in their working and personal lives”
Try this.
Begin by asking yourself
● What are your current roles in your life as a whole?
● What are your responsibilities?
● What are you accountable for in your life and to
whom?
● what do you spend your time doing?
● What do you call yourself as you’re doing these things e.g., parent, spouse, household manager, financial manager, career monger etc...
Define the eight roles in your life you consider the most important
Now draw a wheel, giving each of these roles a sector in the circle, commensurate with the importance you give it
Now honestly assess.
What does your wheel look like?
Chances are it looks like a twin blade propeller, where only two things predominate, you as the surgeon, the professional and you as the money spinner. Or it could be a three winged fan, the third dimension being your all important career.
Or it may be a cross which we are so used to, with the four limbs of the cross consumed by you as the surgeon, you the money spinner, you the careerist. A small and short limb would be you as a friend, a family member and fun seeker going for very occasional outings and vacations.
In a few instances it may be a pentagon or a hexagon, the fifth role being that of the householder.
Look at the one role or sector which is sadly missing in all these shapes, preventing it from becoming a complete whole, namely, a circle. It is the partner and the lover.
In fact, this question is more pertinent to the spouse. Are you satisfied with the amount of time your better half spends with you and your children?
It may be news to you that doctors are not considered the best of better halves. An article appeared in the BMJ Career Focus in 2006 by Karen Hebert.
It deals with the ease and the hassles of marriage within the profession.
Are medical marriages really any different or just part of the statistics? According to the article by Karen I have just quoted, there is no real difference in divorce rates in medical marriages but there is also evidence that while the marriages are stable, many spouses are chronically unhappy. Michael Myers, a psychiatrist from Vancouver has described a number of particular difficulties that can be faced in a medical marriage.
What are these hassles?
Bhupinder Sandhu, past president of the Women’s Medical Federation, points out: “Partnership in marriage is essential. If you are married to a medic that partnership can come under all sorts of stresses as a result of competing careers, clashing rotas, and the availability of jobs. All too often, it has been the wife who has made the sacrifice, and consequently not benefited or achieved the career that she should have achieved”. Doesn’t it leave that little bit of crick in the heart? How many times you hear of doctor husband and wives living apart due to different posting? Remember distances breed chasms. Companionship is an ordinary virtue but is becoming extraordinarily rare.
Many years ago, when I was an intern, a debate was held in the college “Doctors should marry only doctors. I spoke for the proposition not because I advocated marriages within the profession, but I thought that was the only way to decimate a species so unclubbable. It seemed prudent that rather than ruin the home spirit in two household, only one should be afflicted. Thirty six years later the same topic was being debated in the college annual debate. Nothing changes really, does it?
Is this how things should be? Can a change be effected? Not unless the doctors change.
Susan Kersley is a retired medical practitioner, and a life coach
She proposes “7 strategies to change your life, your lifestyle and YOU “in her book “YOU CAN CHANGE”
I would recommend her book as compulsory reading for all of us doctors.
The seven strategies are
1. Clarify
2. Harmonise
3. Affirm
4. Negotiate
5. Galvanise
6. Embody
7. Shine
Clarify Think back to your childhood and recollect what were your dreams and aspirations. How close are you to them? Did a large part of what you wanted to do get lost in the daily grind of first your studies and then the profession. How often do you feel “I wish I had done this or that” This is the trump, you still can if only you decide to change your lifestyle, your environment and yourself. Just remove the clutter. Decide what you don’t want and discard it, in your lifestyle, your work and home environment and your personality. Easy? Well almost.
HarmoniseOnce you have discarded the redundant, harmonise between what you wanted or want with what you have. Focus and develop a vision for what you want. Day dream about it and search for moments in your life when you can work towards your dream. Don’t wait for retirement, but if you are near it, that may be your moment of fulfillment.
AffirmBe strong and firm by not allowing others to run your life for you. Reflect on what is holding you back and fight it. Assert yourself “I will do it. I must do it”
NegotiateNegotiate here is not as in compromise but as in steer through or across. Let the idea of your dream or ambition permeate your being and then start asserting yourself to yourself
Susan suggests the first thing to do is ‘catch up on unfinished business’. Get rid of the fear of what if or what if not.
GalvaniseGalvanise means start moving towards your goal. Take the first step, however small and don’t stop. All it needs is a passion for the change. The excitement comes with every step. “Be open to possibities.”Weigh your options literally imagining them in both your hands. Look for people who will boost your morale.
EmbodyThe strategy is to give a concrete shape to your idea or dream, to give the vision a body. The best way to do this may be to imagine yourself in the shoes of someone who represents what you want.
ShineBe what you want or wanted and feel proud about it. Let not what other say or think affect you. Theirs is but the stereotyped attitude. You have dared to change you have a right to shine and for you are a star. Think of the things you would love to do and treat yourself to it. Imagine you have earned it and you will continue earning them and doing them.” Make a commitment to yourself to look after yourself much, much better” says Susan
Devote yourself to your family and yourself .As that ad of L’Oreal goes ‘You are worth it, for you are one in a million’
Great post sir. Your words have touch my soul.It is really very difficult to make a balance between family needs and career. I always believe that family comes first. But if you want to achieve something on professional front, it also needs dedication and sacrifice. You can not achieve greatness without doing a perfect work. A perfect work requires time, and attention. one has to choose his priorities and act according to that.
ReplyDeleteYou are dead right.One has to define the priorities
ReplyDeleteThe difficult part is getting ytour priorities right